Addiction

“Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.” -Rumi

I recently "quit" smoking. My friend Zil helped me by being present for the arising urges. We were in a car for a couple of days and the craving voice really couldn't hide itself very well behind emotional states. What I mean is that when I had quit in the past, I would have days of extreme moodiness. Aggressive and bizarre thoughts would tumble through my mind and all of it I would label as nicotine fitting. The thought was that I just needed to power through these states until I could get past the chemical addiction, then I'd be fine. This time, I was beginning to understand that it was that place of extreme resistance where my truest being lay hidden. This time, I listened to my thoughts and words that spilled out of me, and at first I laughed. How funny that I crave this so much and how irrational and strange the thinking that arose to try to smoke again. My friend was immensely helpful in this process because she observed and laughed with me, and never gave much importance to the sometimes pleading rationalizations to smoke.

Once space was made for the addiction's voice, i began to feel what was underneath it, and found myself swimming in sorrow. Every thought, every word and experience was felt deeply. I cried a countless number of times and I felt so exposed and open. It was like discovering I had been shot and now instead of pretending i was fine and continuing on with life, all I could do was sit there and feel it, watch the blood flow out of me, and carefully begin to bandage it. What had in the past taken weeks to get over ended in less than two days. The chemical addiction felt like a small itch, barely noticeable.


I am beginning to see all addictions, even addiction to a perception or world view as nothing more than protection from my own vulnerability.